AHDM4U HOROSCOPES :: SCORPIO

“Is she psychic, or are these for funnies?” It’s a sound question here in the city of San Francisco, a place where meetings are rescheduled when Mercury is in retrograde, and the numerological importance of a day can determine whether or not you’ll finally meet that Tinder date.

So meet Boopie, AHDM4U’s correspondent with the stars — or at least, our correspondent with the gifs. Boops, a.k.a. tiny_hairz, a.k.a. Jackie, can really string a series of future-forward gifs together. But don’t take our word for it. She’s taken the time to lay out some astrological wisdom for y’all below.

BTW, Boopie’s not asking you to rearrange your life’s furniture based on her readings — or even pay attention to her predictions. Her sole request: don’t come for her if you don’t like what you hear.

First up, our birthday babe:

SCORPIO

Scorpion_Dancing_by_Methados

Scorpio you’re strong, certain of your path, blah blah blah. And lucky you, apparently some bb (a local celebrity, in fact, someone a little bit like this):

anigif_enhanced-buzz-17141-1375459554-2

… mixed with a little of this:

Cute-Zooey-Deschanel-Wink-Reaction-Gif

… is digging your steez. But knowing you Scorpio, not much will come of y’all. Sure, you’ll take long walks down Valencia Street, holding hands because “it’s cold”:

tumblr_lyadcmwoJB1qzmz3mo1_250

… while you curse the neighborhood changes:

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I suggest you quit beating around the bush, get naked in your dingy apartment, and rub your bits together:

many-hands-petting-cat-gif

… but alas, tiny hairz’ advice will get slept on again. Instead you’ll pine for your local celeb from afar, writing poorly constructed essays about loss, longing and restraint while your would-be angel rubs their hands to stay warm.

eyeroll-3

You’re not that important Scorpio.

And Loebdeschanelcooper needs to get laid…

4e60e43044250

So they’ll take their fogged-up glasses elsewhere. And ugh! Here’s the thing about you scorpion, you’re strong, controlled and sometimes repressed — but also vengeful as a motherfucker. You’ll play it cool, but inside all that anger is getting translated into self-harm:

YPCA9zs

… or harm to unlucky randoms in your path:

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[Note from Boopi: I feel really conflicted about that gif]

So what’s my ultimate advice here, Scorpio?

wtf-face

Don’t even try! Like, don’t even go on that anti-gentrification, handholding walk. You’re flattered by this person’s interest, but that doesn’t mean you’re interested. That’s why it takes you a half-life to make a move on them.

wee-bey

And besides, Boopie knows there’s something better in store for you down the line…

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Like fellow Scorpio, Queen Mother Tilda Swinton, yo.

And for the rest of y’alls, interpolate the following as you will:

SAG

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CAPRICORN

eagle_fly_21

+

drake

AQUARIUS 

wh2bj-113-gif

+

VToYCcc

Oops, not that last one. I mean, this:

drage-crying-gif

PISCES

Kanye_276bee_1234087

+

tumblr_m226qlXN5X1rpkk2fo1_500

ARIES

9p8ta

+

tumblr_mqvnfzxomB1so0bjko7_500

TAURUS

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GEMINI

gif2

+

tumblr_m8sz7zlk9w1qeiocm

… followed by:

tumblr_mtnhp0Yz4P1qknz5to3_r1_500

CANCER

misery 

LEO

Misfits-Telekinesis

… resulting in this:

tumblr_m1ku2opL5Y1r6jujzo1_500

VIRGO

ben_apology

+

drake_violin

LIBRA

AD Knife is Dangerous

… but the rest of the world is feeling:

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Stay tuned for more of Boopie’s wisdom right here on AHDM4U. Questions for the gifmaster? Send ’em to ahdm4u@gmail.com

About 4U Mag (264 Articles)
A lifestyle magazine by Kelly Lovemonster and Caitlin Donohue. Not a total vanity project.

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