Your girl Boopie was born under the sign of Gemini, an optimal mid-year sign. Because you know what’s seems not so fun? Having your birthday near the holidays. And guess what Capricorns? You get the shaft again — I’m giving you your horoscope weeks late.

My mother is a Capricorn and real talk, I don’t understand you people. And since we’re on the subject of strange and strained mother-daughter relationships (which we weren’t), I think it’s high time I come out of the closet about something. I’m a bobby pinner. As in, I indulge in ear cleaning pleasures. I prefer small Goody hair pins but a Q-tip, paperclip, the pointy end of a pen top — everything is going in. Don’t listen to the medical professional’s lies:

… what this …

… or even this …

… makes me feel?

Like whoa.

You’re probably wondering what this has to do with my mother. Well Miss Phyllis is the one that imprinted me with this sick Freudian infatuation. She be like this:

… and this …

… and this …

… and if I’m being real, I’ve been here:

… and this …

… should not be as stimulating but your girl be like …

I digress. Really the point is that Capricorns, you’re driven and influential. Y’all should use your power for good. Not evil:

[I would put a wire hanger in my ear. Shit has me trembling at my keyboard.]

You’re all about relationships, being in relationship, making relations:

You take risks, but love is always most prominent in your decision making:

For the rest of this month, make sure you’re making your wants and needs known:

What you need is clarity and stability. Now, Boopie isn’t suggesting conventional monogamy:

Rather, if you skipped from the honeymoon phase and moved directly to legal separation [one of these two gifs]:

… and every time you talk its a processing sesh [one of these two gifs]:

… perhaps it’s time to ask your significant other to kick rocks. You should do this after January 16 [special note: let them take you to dinner on payday]:

I love you Mommy.

I’m not sorry this is late. Be well.

As for the other signs, here’s your one-gif destinies













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A lifestyle magazine by Kelly Lovemonster and Caitlin Donohue. Not a total vanity project.

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