By Brandon Drew Holmes; Top image by Jen Stark, “Driptych at 16th & South Van Ness” 

OMG, you guys, there’s nothing awesome going on in my life to talk about as an intro! Well, that’s a lie. There’s tons. I just don’t really enjoy talking to people about my life anymore. I mean, I talk a lot so it may seem like I do, but really I dread having to respond to the question “What’s new with you?”

I’m guilty of it as well. I ask people that shit all the time, and I know they are just as non-plussed as I am about hearing it. Why do we do this to each other?! UGH! I mean, really? OKay! I’m making a promise to never ask you “what’s been happening?!” if you never ask me “how have you been?” Like, not to make it seem like we don’t really care about one another, it’s just do we really care about it at that moment? Walk up to me and be like “What’s CRACK-A-LACKIN?!” or something and I’ll have no choice but to respond because you literally just said “crack-a-lackin” which is only ever heard from the lips of older black men tryin’ to push up on a young tenderoni. And EW. I just realized that Tinder might have ruined “tenderoni”.


No shade to y’all having an event tonight, but today is about the Bay’s TURN UP ROYALTY dancer and performance artist Saturn Rising — it’s his birthday. I’m sure you’ll see Saturn somewhere around townpoppin’ that cootie (or on the freeway hangin’ out a window of a limo, in line at Mickey D’s, buying a new iPhone, climbin’ out of a limo), but if you don’t know him don’t fret because …

… Saturn will probably be making an appearance at VIRGIL’S SEA ROOM ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY PARTY (9PM-2AM // FREE // VIRGIL’S SEA ROOM // MORE) because it’s the bar’s birthday too. Sponsored by the Bold Italic, there will be a t-shirt give-away, food from Wes Burger, BOOZE, $4 pints of Big Daddy and tunes from DJ Jamie Jams and our own Chi Chi a.k.a. DJ Miss Pop. It’ll be cute and people will be drunk and sloppy. Go. Support local shit, y’all! ❤


OK, let’s get this out of the way and put it all out there because I know that honestly this Wknd Update is only about this one event  CATURDAY (2-5PM // FREE // DOLORES PARK // MORE). Damn, a park full of cats is literally like the second coming of Christ (maybe he’ll be brown this time?): it’ll either be the best thing ever or the worst thing ever. Be smart people. Keep them on a leash, away from dogs, punk-ass babies, trees and lasagna. This apparently might be the largest public gathering of cats in modern history, which I’m calling bullshit on because there’s a whole island in Japan that’s run by cats.

Can someone volunteer to take Kelly’s kitties to this gathering? He’s busy and I’m slightly too concerned for my safety at this gathering to volunteer.

Just a heads up for you flower power people, ORCHIDS IN THE PARK (AUG 2-3 // HALL OF FLOWERS GOLDEN GATE PARK  //  MORE) is happening today. Go buy something.

So money in the arts is getting tight, which can lead artists feeling the need to compete with one another for resources. ART ‘VILLAGES’ UNITE (1-4PM // FREE // CREATIVITY EXPLORED // MORE) is focused on reimagining this dialogue. In a panel discssion consisting of artists Casey Gray, Hannah Ireland, Jen Stark, Zio Ziegler and moderated by senior curator of the Oakland Museum of California Rene de Guzman, the group will pontificate on how to “unite the [artistic] villages, and remind everyone of the simple power art has to transform our daily lives.” Be prepared to hear some big ideas.

Once you find yourself recovered from petting kitties, buying orchids or talking about the survival of the arts, go dancing. The Bay is lit with fun parties tonight. Kick it with the homies over at LIGHTS DOWN LOW (9-2AM // $20 // MEZZANINE // MORE). They are hosting DJ Julio Bashmore. The bbs over at GO BANG! (9-2AM //$7 // THE STUD // MORE) are at it again with another incredible disco filled evening. And Ships In The Night is hosting OAKLAND PRIDE WOMYN’S STAGE FUNDRAISER (9PM-2AM // $5-$10 SLIDING // THE NEW PARISH // MORE ). Ships will be throwing down their usual hip hop, R&B, reggaeton, tropical and funk and there will be a live performance by Nina Ross.

All three of these parties are grand, I personally have been very particular about the parties I go to, not out of like being really cool or anything, but a mixture of money, self preservation and time management. I mean I’m a club rat for sure, but I can’t be up in the club 24/7 like I used to be. Like I’m not saying I’m now at the park sitting under the sun being one with the leaves and the wind, but that I just don’t want to go out to just go out. Ya know?


I’m just gonna say it. Today is gonna be nasty and stank stank. We got two parties happening, both all about that pussy poppin’ on a hand stand which is a good thing. I was recently watching some porn bloopers and one of the guys was all trying to shake his booty and had the nerve to whole heartedly utter “I wish I could twerk like Miley.” Now I’m not trying’ to rehash the Miley appropriation convo, but seriously though. Nope. Nah. Please. Would you believe me if I told you I found out this guy’s FB and sent him this video?

But back to today’s festivities.

Over in Oakland we have TWERK FOR MOTHER EARTH (6PM // DONATIONS SUGGESTED // ONE FAM // MORE). One Fam is a cute ass spot holding it down for West Oakland. Like seriously. I’ve DJ’d here before. They cute. They got those sidewalk BBQ’s for the lil ones and the grannies, the film screenings for the couples and then these kind of funky moments for you to get buck wild. Support this space and support the performers rolling through, the magnificent Queens D. Light, JJAAHZZ and Namaste Shawty.

But over in SF we have AHDM4U’s Kelly Lovemonster’s SWAGGER LIKE US (3-8PM // $5-$8 // EL RIO // MORE ) throwing down with special guest DJ Olga T and a live performance by Chicago’s Banjee Report. Now I missed these children last Saturday when they turned 120 Minutes out, so please know you will see me up in the club for this! Get there before 4pm and it’s $5, which leaves you a few extra dollars to get twisted to DJs davO and Boyfriend while they cook your afternoon turn up ❤

About 4U Mag (264 Articles)
A lifestyle magazine by Kelly Lovemonster and Caitlin Donohue. Not a total vanity project.