4U MAG HOROSCOPES :: NOV 23 – DEC 22

Dear boopie,

I hate my sister “Beth.” I don’t hate her, hate her. Really I just hate the choices she makes. And all the attention she gets, but I especially hate the men she dates. She repeatedly dates men with the same bad character traits – aloof man-boys who play tough, and pretend like they’re in charge. Quite similar to our dad. UGH, I just want to kick them all in the balls. I have a big event coming up. My mother insist my sister be in attendance, but I especially don’t want her loser boyfriend to come. What should I do?

Sincerely,

“Sarah”

Well Sarah,

That’s a beautiful name by the way

I too have a sister, who is something of a celebrity. And I too have at times lived in her waifishly thin shadow. Like this,

but really more like this

Growing up we were pretty different. Believe it or not, I was on the ah, arty moody end of the childhood development spectrum.

+

Where as my sister was little miss perfect.

A square for sure, but also a little intense and scary

Anyway, my parents really encouraged (read forced) us to support one another; it doesn’t always come naturally.

Sarah, I endured years of lackluster piano recitals

despite it being clear that there was very little future for my sister music.

Now we’re very close, too close some might say,

…and there’s a price to pay for that

Anyway, I digress. My point is, it takes time. That and parents with a real commitment to corporal punishment. Actual animated gif of a whippin’ given to me:

There’s something else I need to say Sarah; I also sense a little bit of jealousy.

And you know what the root of jealousy is, insecurity

If boopie knows one thing, it’s that the battle for self love is an ongoing one.

(she’s in army fatigue, close enough?)

Let me just break the fourth wall of gif-horoscope-question-answering Sarah and use a little metaphor as in, a thing regarded as representative or symbolic of something else.

I’m in the gif business and have searched for a lot of “Graphic Interchage Format” files. I have frequently searched (dare I even type the queen mother’s name) Beyonce Giselle Knowles Carter. There are lots, innumerable really. She’s the most giffed human on the planet (her and that praise baby, a personal fave). Lord, I searched Jessica and Ashley Simpson and this gem popped up in the top twenty:

I also searched Solange. There were far fewer but they were diverse, surprising and dare I say it… better.

My point is Sarah – Beth may get a lot of “attention,” she may have the volume on lock, but you offer something different.

As for her boyfriend.

plus this

Ick, Superman let that turd circle and flush. He’ll get his…

You’re the bomb Sarah

SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN

AQUARIUS

PISCES

ARIES

TAURUS

GEMINI

CANCER

LEO

VIRGO

LIBRA

SCORPIO

About 4U Mag (264 Articles)
A lifestyle magazine by Kelly Lovemonster and Caitlin Donohue. Not a total vanity project.