Written and illustrated by Diego Gomez
I was first introduced to vamps by 1987’s The Monster Squad. The squad’s “pimp” was a vampire, the Rhett Butler of his monster gang. Later, I had a Hollywood Monsters coloring book that I never used for fear of ruining it — but you better believe I traced the shit out of the Dracula page. I was so enamored! In the image, he was shown hypnotizing his lady-prey. I loved to go over the swirls (did they form a giant spider web?) behind the figures, and the bat that seemed like it was about to fly off the page and at my face. Dracula could transform into a bat! I’ve always loved me a shape-changer. I even remember exposing my neck when I slept, in hopes that Drac or another succubi would suckle on my supple nape. When I was 6 and 7 I dressed up as Dracula for Halloween on two back to back occasions, wearing the same Hallmark store black and red cape that I sported when I became Sesame Street‘s Count at the tender age of 31.
I may love to draw vampires but I’m no longer attracted to pale creeps. Like Mrs. Doubtfire, I prefer my partners, “short, furry and funny.” Once bitten twice shy, girl! In closing remember, (just like with the cops) NEVER INVITE THEM IN. No matter how suave these vamps act, they’re still sucking the energy out of you and me. Call 1-800-BUFFY if you need me.
Once Bitten‘s Lauren Hutton as Countess (A funny vamp? Yas, please.); The Simpsons’ Mr. Burns as Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Work that butt wig, Queen!)
[From top left, clockwise] Tom Cruise from Interview With a Vampire (I don’t remember anything he said in that movie but… YUUUM), Bella Lugosi, Darkstalkers’ Morigan (cosplay heaven – bat wings everywhere and she’s half Angel, half vampire!), The Hunger‘s Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock (class and brass), Vampirella (The most ridiculous costume EVAR – and that NAME? Don’t play!)
Count Chocula (it’s weird how much I think about him since I’ve never tried the cereal but I love me a good pun!)
Nosferatu played by Max Schreck (The second movie I ever took the car and snuck out to see, after Hannibal.)
Queen of the Damned‘s Aaliyah as Akasha (More then a woman, okurrr!)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR Diego Gómez is a bi-coastal Mexican and native San Franciscan who enjoys comic books, travel, fucking, oil painting, glittering (but not littering) and making people up to look like whores. Look him up at DiegoDiegoDiego.com